Bloggers are from Earth, Blogs are from Webspace

This post just might be a cleverly disguised apology for being a bad blogger, and giving bad excuses as to why this is so. But there are times where blog and blogger just won’t connect. You’re not making an effort any more. They’re hanging out with other blogs and making you question everything you know as real, saying things like, ‘Bachelorette Frog is not supposed to be relatable.’ I know – who is this guy?

These following points are toxic when it comes to you and your blog making it as a couple. If you’re having trouble connecting with yours, you are not alone – but by admitting your mistakes and realizing that you can change, all is not lost.

LACK OF IDEAS

Aaah that old chestnut, she says, using a really tired cliché. This ‘I have no ideas’ claim is a common issue, but really is no excuse.  Coming up with ideas is what the whole writing/blogging shabang is all about, yet I can sit there and ponder for four whole minutes and still nothing of any worth is produced. I consider writing about rain, that sucks, right? Christmas, that’s a big thing. And how about when an orange peels off all in one? Satisfying.

Many a lecturer and writer and guru, sexual or otherwise, will tell you that ‘inspiration’ is simply a tiny spark that can appear in the most mundane situation, and you have to capture and nurture it yourself. So if you’re sat watching a fantastic art house movie and that eureka moment spontaneously occurs – QUICK CATCHIT CATCHITQUICK! That little spark is rare, for me anyway. In contrast, when you’re staring at the wall, mentally rubbing two damp brain cells together – no spark is going to spring from that. Ideas have to be squeezed out of you in this life, squeezed from your inner-most depths! So go look at some birds or something.

Or that… couldn’t hurt.

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ARROGANCE vs DOUBT

‘Post it…. post it good.’

On those rare occasions when a spark may occur, I then put it out by thinking, ‘But who cares? Who cares what I have to say? And what authority do I have to say it?’ The answer is none – most of us bloggers don’t, LOL. And for that reason, when you write something that you plan to publish to the world (because y’know, the entire planet is reading this), you have to push yourself to be as arrogant as hell to get through it.

Sometimes I picture my arrogant side as the most dick-like contestant on Junior Apprentice – all one eyebrow raised, stood in front of the Shard saying, ‘I may not be published, but boy, do I have books COVERED!’ –  *replaces the dust-jacket on a hardback whilst smirking* – Oh yeah. I am so hired.

Sadly for the progress of Cloud Corinne, my arrogant writing side is often screamed down by the manically paranoid side, who presumes that if I dare to press ‘publish’ on some dull post about hair colour, we will all get Gonorrhea of the eyes – or worse (no one will read it). You will always fight the ‘What if I suck?’ bug in this business, but occasionally you should let Arrogance win. For too long, Self Doubt has reigned supreme over this blog, so nothing ever gets posted. And the world seems drained of colour, I know. It’s tough for everyone.

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COMPARISON

Do you know how many blogs there are out there? I’m going to say six million jabillion as a rough estimate. Whatever I’ve written takes a bashing when it’s compared to not only better quality of content, but pretty font, cool widgets, and an extremely sexy layout, all topped off with 300 comments per post saying things like ‘Oh that is SO YOU! Because I feel I know you because you post regularly, despite having a kid and three other jobs, and dear God, you’re awesome.’

Usual thoughts: ‘Why am I writing this to no one? Someone else, somewhere else is writing better things to other people. I give up right this minute – this minute I say!’ *skids mouse 6 cm*.

This may seem rebellious and totally unhinged, but it can result in your blog being neglected or even feral, and do you want that on your conscience? It will throw up an ad for cheap polyester jumpsuits from Taiwan whenever it’s disturbed, and you drove it to that.

When I see Cloud Corinne all forlorn and dusty like a Furby that wasn’t ever tipped upside down again… because it just always needed ATTENTION and sometimes you just want your Muller Corner in peace without being reminded that you’re crap at mothering… it hits me – I love my blog really. It is my husband but also my child, born out a need to tell everyone stuff that nobody cares about. It’s all a bit sick, really. I am a single woman, yes, but I don’t know what that has to do with anything.

If you’re writing for yourself in the end – that’s what will keep you coming back, so the comparisons don’t matter.  Fight the drawbacks and you and your blog will skip away on your journey together; you, walking with feet as humans generally do, your blog on your laptop under the safety of your arm, where it will forever stay. Until 2027, when I’m just assuming here but technology will be all, ‘hey, blogs are also hot men now – mostly naked, but others in nice shirts and skinny ties.’

***yes 2027***

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